


Worthy

by FuryRed



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Charles Being Concerned, Denial, Erik Has Feelings, Erik has Issues, Falling In Love, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Telepathic Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-13 23:45:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9147331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FuryRed/pseuds/FuryRed
Summary: Whilst they train at the mansion and prepare to take on Shaw, Charles and Erik try to come to terms with the deep emotions developing between the two of them, as well as Charles’ reluctance to fully express how he feels- in spite of the fact that sometimes his telepathy says what his mouth cannot…





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

Most nights they were as one- bodies and minds and hearts entwined. It was all either of them had ever wanted, and now they had it. For months now Charles and Erik had come together in reverence; meeting in the space between the words they never said, using bodies to express what speech could not.

Charles knew everything about Erik- he had since the minute they’d met, crashing into each other’s lives in the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. Erik was never granted such clarity in return, and sometimes he envied Charles’ power of telepathy; the way that Charles could know what he was thinking and feeling without him even having to utter a word. Still, he wouldn’t change a thing- particularly when Charles’ ability enabled him to continue to surprise and enthral in ways that Erik had never imagined possible.

There was a connection between them- tangible and undeniable, evident from the day they’d first met. Erik sensed it even when he was away from Charles, and he wondered if that was part of the scope of Charles’ telepathy or if it was just simply due to the intensity of the way they felt about each other. Of course, the link was never more evident that when he and Charles were engaged in some form of intimacy, and Erik adored the way the bond made him feel- how it provided a level of closeness unparalleled in Erik’s experience. He felt the connection most of all when he was physically close to Charles- when they came together in a manner to which they had become accustomed in the months since they’d met- but he knew that it was more than just sex.

The intimacy was shared both physically and mentally; attained through falling in every sense of the word. Charles gave Erik his body, but Erik gave Charles his mind- allowing the telepath to venture through unexplored territories; moments and memories that even Erik had never fully comprehended.

Erik would have assumed that Charles would loathe venturing into such a dark space, but there was nowhere Charles would rather be than in Erik’s mind. It was softer than the rest of him- full of sentiment and tenderness; a depth of emotion he kept carefully hidden from the rest of the world. If you asked Erik about himself he would say he was a monster; that he was cold and hard and incapable of nothing but anger and rage, but Charles knew the real truth.

It was why Charles was so willing to give himself to Erik- even though sometimes it made him afraid, even though sometimes it hurt. Erik _needed_ someone to help him, to contradict him, to challenge him, to care for him. But Charles knew it wasn’t just Erik that was gaining something out of their arrangement- Erik had become the best friend that Charles had ever had, and he knew that he was never happier than when he had Erik in his arms…

 

Erik lay with his back against the pillows, gently tracing his fingers up and down Charles’ spine as he held him. Their telepathic connection was there- bright and evident, making the rest of the world fall away. Erik could feel the bond between them, and he could feel something else too…

“Are you ever going to say that out loud?” Erik asked.

Charles tilted his face to look up at Erik from where he lay with his head resting on Erik’s chest.

“Huh?” Charles mumbled.

Erik smiled, wrapping his arms tighter around Charles and giving him a quick squeeze.

“Come on Charles, you know what I’m talking about…”

Charles didn’t. He bit his lip in confusion, looking down again and beginning to trace his fingertips absently against Erik’s bare chest.

What could Erik mean? Charles racked his brain for answers, but it was a little bit difficult to form sentient thought at that particular moment of time, being post-coital and all… He had just been lying with Erik, enjoying the afterglow of orgasm, thinking about Erik and how much Erik meant to him and how much he cared about him and…

Charles froze suddenly, blue eyes growing wide in realisation. There had been three words echoing through his mind- they’d been there for a while, but they never burned brighter than in those moments when he and Erik were engaged in some form of intimacy. He’d made this mistake before- when he was younger and he was still experiencing difficulty in controlling his telepathy. Charles had always been a very sensitive person- he felt things deeply, and very occasionally his telepathy seemed to work like some sort of amplifier- pushing out feeling into the minds of those around him involuntarily. If he’d been projecting what he was thinking, then…

Erik frowned in consternation as Charles slid from his grasp, watching as Charles withdrew from bed and began to pick up his clothes.

“Where are you going, Charles?” Erik murmured, sitting up in bed.

“I need to get back to Raven and the others- we’re supposed to be going over some new training methods today”, Charles replied, shrugging on his clothes and avoiding Erik’s eyes.

Erik considered protesting for a moment before he gave up- letting out a sigh and flopping back against the pillows. This was, unfortunately, something he had become accustomed to in the time in which he’d known Charles. Charles knew everything about everyone, but he kept himself hidden in return. It was frustrating, but Erik was trying not to ask for too much- Charles had given him so much more than he knew already.

“Well, when you’re ready to go again you know where I am”, Erik muttered, staring up at the ceiling and trying not to show his annoyance. There was a pause, and then Charles came over to press a brief kiss to Erik’s lips before scurrying from the room.

 

When Charles finally said it, the first time, it was an accident.

They lay in bed, entwined and comfortable- lying on their sides facing each other; Erik’s head pressed against Charles’ chest, Charles’ mouth resting against Erik’s hair. It was how they slept most nights. Even if they started off apart eventually they would come together; reaching across the mattress, closing the distance between them- becoming nothing more than a tangle of limbs, holding onto soft skin and sharing breath.

Charles pulled Erik closer; wrapping his legs more tightly around him, his hands gently tracing Erik’s back over his shirt. Erik was just beginning to drift off to sleep- Charles could tell- but he still responded to Charles’ embrace, snuggling closer and letting out a small noise of satisfaction.

Charles smiled in return, withdrawing slightly but only so he could place a tender kiss to Erik’s forehead that turned into three more. When he was finished, Charles once again moved his mouth to rest against Erik’s hair. In that moment, nothing existed but the two of them.

The words were there again, lingering in Charles’ thoughts, warm like sunrise and sweet like honey. Erik was asleep, and Charles was drifting too- mind creeping towards unconsciousness; the place where rational actions were lost.

Charles’ lips were still brushing against Erik’s hair as he said it- the words just slipping out in absence of reason.

“I love you…”

Erik tensed immediately, and instantly Charles realised his mistake. Erik tried to withdraw; tried to pull back from Charles, yearning to look at him- to search for answers in his eyes- but Charles kept his arms wrapped tightly around Erik’s back, keeping him still. Erik could have fought through it- they both knew that, but he didn’t want to push Charles for too much, because every declaration would already be more than he thought he deserved.

And so, Erik remained where he was- curled up against Charles’ chest, listening to his heart beat and imagining it was only for him.

 

The inadvertent proclamations continued in the days that followed. It was always the same routine- it would happen just before they went to sleep, when their bodies were pressed tight and their minds were mellowing. Erik didn’t know anymore if Charles was doing it on purpose- waiting until he thought Erik was asleep to reveal how he felt, or whether it was just slipping out involuntarily. Either way, Erik looked forward to those admissions immensely- each one a short spell in which he would finally feel like he was worthy; the first time in years, since the last person to love him had been his mother.

Erik didn’t think there could be anything finer than all those moments wrapped up with Charles as they drifted off to sleep; listening to Charles’ pulse race slightly faster every time he opened his mouth and whispered his own hidden truth. But there was one sweeter occasion to follow.

Charles was always weakest after he came- becoming nothing more than a mass of trembling limbs and soft skin; a body completely yielding and pliable in Erik’s grasp, just the way Erik liked it. He lay against Erik, leaning on him whilst Erik rested against the headboard, face pressed into the crook of Erik’s neck and still moaning slightly as he felt Erik’s cock slowly begin to soften inside him. It was more than just the words now- Erik could begin to feel it even before Charles opened his mouth; a force of deep emotion penetrating his mind that made his heart surge with feeling. Even so, hearing it was so much more profound, and Erik waited for it ardently- trying to not even breathe too loudly as he listened for the sound.

“I love you…” Words nothing more than a whisper against Erik’s neck.

This time, Erik wanted more than to just hear it- he wanted to see it. He reached to grasp Charles’ head in his hands, lifting Charles’ face up so that he could look into his impassioned blue eyes, but Charles riled in his arms- pushing against Erik’s chest and attempting to slide off his lap, even though Erik held him tight.

“Please, Charles”, Erik begged, sliding his hands to encircle Charles’ waist. “Just stay with me”.

Charles was shaking his head frantically, starting to ramble on about how he had work to do and students to help, wriggling in Erik’s grasp as he tried to escape. Suddenly, Erik felt like he had read the situation all wrong. There was no denying what Charles felt and what he said- even if he didn’t mean to- but the fact that he couldn’t face Erik afterwards told Erik everything he needed to know. Charles was ashamed of how he felt. He was horrified to be in love with a wretch like Erik. Erik wasn’t worthy after all.

Releasing his grip on Charles’ waist, Erik turned his gaze away so he didn’t have to watch Charles leave.

 

There had been arguments after that. It was so easy for Erik to find ways to disagree with Charles- their opinions differed on so many things, from how to mentor the students to what they were going to do with Shaw when they caught him. Previously Erik had wanted to discuss things with Charles- to talk and work through their differences, or preferably to convince Charles that he was right. Now, he wanted to fight instead.

But even when Erik got what he wanted, each time he landed a particularly painful verbal blow and he saw the upset register on Charles’ face he instantly regretted it- feeling even more like the villain he knew he was deep down. He knew he would never be good enough for someone like Charles.

What made it worse is Charles never gave up on him. Even when Charles was visibly upset, he would do little more than frown disapprovingly at Erik, before walking away and giving Erik time to calm down. Erik always did, and he always came back to Charles- feeling like he wanted to apologise but never actually saying the words, at least not out loud. Instead he would kiss Charles- or he would try to. If they’d had a particularly bad fight Charles would usually resist; turning his face away from Erik and trying to avoid him, even if Erik happened to have him pinned up against a wall at the time. Charles would stare hotly across the room, avoiding Erik’s eyes and trying not to respond, even as Erik would begin to kiss along the side of his face- lips trailing ever closer to Charles’ mouth and just waiting for the moment when Charles would relent and turn into the kiss.

When he did, Erik would carry him to the bed so he could say sorry in the only way he knew how.

 

After one especially bad argument, and one notably emphatic reconciliation, Charles and Erik spent the evening trying to further resolve their differences through a game of chess before retiring to bed. Most nights Charles came to Erik’s room as soon as everyone was asleep- slipping inside to join him as they attempted to keep up the pretence that there was nothing going on between them. Charles insisted that it would be better not to reveal their relationship so as not to complicate matters or cause confusion for the students, but Erik only took the secrecy as ammo for an already loaded gun- a weapon of distrust pointed at himself; the bullets the knowledge that Charles was ashamed of him.

Charles still had some work to do that night, so although he was dressed for bed he sat curled up in an armchair reading a book. Erik was similarly attired as he lay in bed, lying back against the pillows and watching Charles carefully. He was thinking about Charles’ face- kind and open and so youthful. He was thinking about Charles’ mind- brilliant and capable of a compassion and understanding far greater than Erik had ever known. He was thinking about Charles’ heart- pure and perfect, and too delicate for a monster like Erik to hold in his hands.

“I can’t do this anymore…” Erik declared.

Charles looked up from the book he was reading, regarding Erik in slight alarm.

“What?”

“I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to keep fighting with you”.

“Well that’s easily solved, Erik- stop picking fights”.

Erik shook his head. “You deserve better than me”.

Charles let out a slight noise of protest, before dropping his book and rising from the armchair as he crossed the room towards Erik. He climbed on the bed and onto Erik’s lap- sitting just over Erik’s waist and looking down at him in concern.

“Erik, what are you talking about?” Charles asked, resting his hands against Erik’s chest.

Erik was avoiding his gaze; his mind a thrum of dark emotions that made Charles’ heart ache. Eventually though, he looked back to Charles’ eyes.

“You deserve to be with someone who’s your equal”.

Charles frowned. “I wasn’t aware that you were rating us on some sort of scale, or that you were in a position to make decisions for me…”

“Charles, you’re so good…” Erik murmured, sliding his hand up to hold Charles’ face. “You’re smart, so beautiful, and you help people- you save where I can only destroy”. He dropped his hand from Charles' face, avoiding his eyes once more. “I’m not like you, I’m…”

“You’re everything”, Charles interrupted, leaning down to press sincere kisses to the side of Erik’s face. Of all the pain Charles had felt by allowing himself to get close to Erik and exploring his mind, this was undoubtedly the worst.

Erik only deemed to allow Charles to remain close for a moment before he reached his hands up to grip Charles on the upper arms- pushing him to a distance.

“Don’t…” Erik said painfully. “I can tell that you’re… ashamed of how you feel about me- it’s why you only say you love me when you think I can’t hear. And I don’t blame you. You’re worth so much more than I am, and it’s not fair of me to expect anything from you at all”.

Erik had hurt Charles plenty of times in the past few weeks, but he’d never seen Charles look as crushed as he did in that moment. Part of Erik wondered if this would be the time when he finally saw Charles lose control- that perhaps he would lash out or yell, or do anything really to express the anguish he was so clearly feeling. But he didn’t.

Charles stared down at Erik for a long moment, breath laboured, blue eyes a deep ocean of misery and despair. Immediately Erik was beginning to feel fraught with regret- wanting desperately to take it all back, but knowing that it was far too late.

Leaning back from Erik slightly, Charles rested his shaking hands on his own legs as he composed himself enough to speak:

“Erik…” he started, voice wavering slightly. “I told you before that there’s so much more to you than you know, I just had no idea that you thought so little of me in return…”

Erik flinched slightly, not quite understanding what Charles was saying, but it was too late to ask. Charles climbed off of the bed abruptly- walking across the room and opening the door, before stepping through and closing it firmly behind him.

 

Normally after they argued Erik was the one who needed space to calm down, but on this occasion he felt like it was Charles who required some time alone. Erik didn’t want to give it to him- as soon as Charles had left the room Erik wanted nothing more than to charge after him and beg Charles to forgive him, or at least try to make it up to Charles in his own way. But he couldn’t do that- he needed to allow Charles a few moments to compose himself.

Five minutes seemed like long enough. Erik left his bedroom and wandered off in search of Charles- using his powers to seek out the metal of the watch he knew Charles was wearing. Charles was back in his own room, but when Erik quietly knocked on the door there was no answer from inside. After hesitating for a short while, Erik decided to enter anyway.

The room was empty, but Erik could still feel the watch so he knew Charles was nearby.  Eventually Erik found him- sitting on a bench outside on the balcony, in spite of the fact that the night air was bitterly cold and he still wasn’t fully dressed.

“Charles, what are you doing out here?” Erik asked quietly, stepping out to join him. Charles didn’t answer, he simply continued to sit turned away from Erik with his knees drawn up to his chest.

Erik cursed under his breath before heading back into the bedroom and returning with a blanket that he brought with him as he took a seat next to Charles. He placed the blanket over the both of them, sliding his hand up Charles’ back and gripping his shoulder as he attempted to turn Charles towards himself. Charles wouldn’t come easily, and Erik didn’t want to push him- so he kept his hand resting on Charles’ shoulder for a while before sliding it along Charles’ upper back and beginning to run his fingers through the hair at the nape of Charles’ neck.

“Charles, I’m sorry”, Erik said eventually.

This was a new development. In all of their previous disagreements Erik had never once verbally apologised before, so he was certain that those words would be enough to make Charles forgive him. However, when Charles still didn’t turn around, Erik started to get a little bit worried.

“Charles…” Erik murmured, edging closer and leaning to press his lips to the side of Charles’ face. That, at least, got a response- but not the response Erik had wanted.

“Don’t!” Charles shouted, whirling to face Erik and glaring hotly at him as he unfolded from his curled up position.

Erik didn’t think there could be anything more painful than how Charles had looked at him earlier, but this was so much worse. Instinctively Erik reached out, wanting to wipe away the tears from Charles’ face, but Charles only recoiled more harshly.

“Just leave me alone, Erik! You’ve made it perfectly clear that you want nothing to do with me, so why are you here??”

Erik shook his head forlornly. Well, he had finally done it. Erik thought of Charles’ heart as a treasure- a delicate artefact too fragile for his clumsy hands. He’d always feared he would drop and shatter it, and now it seemed like he had.

“Charles, I’m sorry- I didn’t mean what I said--”

“Yes you did! Don’t you understand? I can see it all in your mind. What you really think of me- how you think I’m purely with you out of obligation; because I saved your life when we met, because I convinced you to stay with me, because you were the first man I ever slept with. You think that now you’ve broken me in I’m just going to leave you and find someone better”.

Erik’s mouth parted slightly as he slowly absorbed what Charles had revealed.

“Charles, I…” Erik trailed off. He was at a lost as to what to say. He wanted to tell Charles that he was wrong; that he didn’t really feel like that- but he knew it was pointless trying to lie to a psychic. Erik didn’t necessarily feel the way Charles said he did, but there was no denying that he had thought all of those things at some point, even if it may have only been fleetingly. He just didn’t realise that Charles had been keeping all those perceived slights to himself for all this time.

Charles was breathing hard, wiping angrily his face as Erik stared back at him in desperation; the aura of Charles’ telepathy reaching out as it often did and enabling to Erik unwillingly absorb Charles’ fractured emotions. It made Erik desperately sad to know that he was the one who had hurt Charles so badly, particularly as it was exactly what he’d been trying to prevent. But he knew he wasn’t made for love, and that he wasn’t capable of holding such beautiful things without breaking them.

It was probably for the best really that things had ended now, before they’d gone too far. Only… Erik didn’t want it to end. Even if every moment to come was as painful as this one, Erik knew he would rather spend every second of his miserable, worthless life with Charles.

Charles turned to the side again, staring away from Erik and absently clutching the blanket in his fists. Erik supposed it was at least something that Charles was still sitting next to him, and it gave him a small amount of encouragement.

Erik moved glacially slow- first moving one hand to tentatively rest on Charles’ back, and when that was accepted shifting his entire body closer; sliding his arm fully around Charles’ waist and, in time, resting his head against Charles’ shoulder with his face turned into Charles’ neck.

“I’m sorry…” Erik murmured. “If I ever thought any of those things, I’m truly sorry. It’s not really how I feel about you. I…”

Erik couldn’t do it. Telling Charles he loved him would be cruel when he knew that he could never fully commit. Revenge came first, affairs of the heart were secondary.

Still, Erik was always a firm believer that actions spoke louder than words. He turned his face further into Charles’ neck, pressing his lips against warm skin as he mouthed along the surface working towards Charles’ face. Charles didn’t protest, but he did let out a tiny moan as Erik kissed along his jaw and slid his hand into Charles’ lap- clutching Charles’ hand and rubbing his thumb across Charles’ knuckles.

It seemed like they would be okay. Charles wasn’t fully responding to Erik, but he wasn’t pushing him away either. That is, not until Erik said something stupid.

“It’s okay, Charles. I don’t really expect anything from you. I know that this is only temporary…”

In an instant Charles whirled to face Erik, wrenching out of his grasp and standing up abruptly from the bench- only glaring at Erik for a short moment before he stormed away across the balcony and back inside his room.

Erik followed quickly, cursing himself under his breath as he trailed after Charles.

“Charles, wait”, Erik pleaded, grasping Charles firmly on the arm. Charles wrestled out of his grasp, still hurrying away until Erik grabbed him again. Erik managed to turn Charles around this time but Charles still pushed at him- shoving his hands away.

“Charles, don’t be like this…”

“Fuck you, Erik”, Charles spat out. “If this is temporary it’s only because you’ve made it so. I know what you’re planning- all you care about is killing Shaw, and then once that’s over you’re going to leave me”.

Charles’ voice broke on the last sentence; the pained emotion he felt like a caustic sear in his throat.

Erik shook his head. “It’s not what you think, Charles. I don’t want to leave you, but killing Shaw is what I have to do and… and I don’t expect you to still want me after that”.

Charles let out a disgusted noise. “Do you really think I’m that fickle? How I feel about you is not some choice I made- it’s not some perfectly organised event that’s subject to certain conditions. I can’t help it, though God knows sometimes I wish I could”.

“Well if it’s such a certainty then why won’t you tell me out loud how you feel? Are you really that surprised that I would doubt you, when you seem so reluctant to be open with me? I don’t blame you, Charles, but I just wish you wouldn’t pretend like you could ever be prepared to lower yourself into spending your life with me”.

There it was again- Charles’ telepathy sending out a spike of emotion, this one like a shard of ice that penetrated Erik’s heart. He was doing this to Charles. He was sending splinters of pain at his lover, and then receiving them back in an instant like a karmic rebuttal. If only he knew how to stop.

This ‘apology’ was going terribly, and Erik wished bitterly that he’d just said sorry and nothing else. It was too late now, though, to take back everything he’d disclosed- he only hoped that he hadn’t ruined everything he had with Charles.

Erik stepped closer to Charles, reaching to hold him but only taking one step before he felt himself shudder to a stop against his control.

Charles stared up at Erik, eyes burning and defiant as he used his telepathy to keep Erik in place. He’d never used his powers of mind control on another mutant before, and it made him feel sick- particularly as it was his beloved Erik who he held so helplessly. It was necessary though, to give Charles the chance to say what he needed to.

“Erik…” Charles uttered, trying to keep his voice level. “I’m not with you because I feel sorry for you, or because I feel obligated to you, or because you were my first, it’s because… it’s because I’m in love with you”.

Charles could feel it then- Erik fighting inside his own mind against the restraints that Charles had put in place. It was heartless, really, to finally vocalise what Erik so desperately wanted to hear, but to deny him the opportunity to respond to it.

“I thought that we could do it”, Charles continued sadly. “I thought that what we had would be worth fighting for, but if you don’t agree then how I feel about you really doesn’t matter, does it? I may not be able to condone what you’re planning to do to Shaw, but I would never abandon you... But maybe you would abandon me”.

Charles stepped away from Erik a few paces, still watching his face sadly.

“I’m only sorry we wasted each other’s time”, Charles concluded.

At that, he turned away from Erik- moving over to the nearby cupboard and selecting some clothes before hastily pulling them on. Erik was still trapped as Charles moved about the room and dressed quickly before leaving and closing the door behind him.

As soon as Erik felt Charles’ hold on his mind abate he rushed from the room- bounding frantically down the halls of the mansion seeking out Charles’ presence by tracking his metal watch as before. He found it in the kitchen downstairs, but there was no Charles.

The watch resided on the kitchen counter, cold and rigid and left behind- like Erik was.


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

Charles didn’t come home for days after their disagreement. Erik inwardly panicked at his absence, but he didn’t let anyone know that anything was wrong.

Apparently Raven knew more about Charles’ whereabouts than Erik did- Charles had told her that he was going away for a few days to meet with some mutants who might want to join them. That information, once relayed, only made Erik feel slightly better- he at least knew that Charles was okay physically, though his mental state was open for debate.

No one mentioned the fact that normally Erik went with Charles on such road trips.

Four days after their argument, Charles returned. Erik had been exercising in the gym when he’d heard it- the bright, twinkling sound that was Charles’ laughter coming from somewhere nearby. Erik quickly levitated the weights he had been holding over to the nearby rack as he walked briskly from the room; drawn towards the melody of Charles’ voice like a magnet.

Charles was smiling when Erik saw him- speaking with Raven and Hank as he stood in the hallway- but when Erik approached Charles turned slightly, and in the moment when they locked eyes there was a flash of agony that splintered into Erik’s heart. Raven and Hank visibly flinched, and Erik wondered whether they’d felt it too.

There was so much unsaid left hanging in the air; a mist of misery that spanned the distance between the two lovers as they stared at each other. Raven and Hank shifted awkwardly to the side of them, and Erik knew that the polite thing for him to do would be to leave, but he couldn’t do that. Manners weren’t exactly Erik’s forte, and he was perfectly prepared for everyone else to feel incredibly uncomfortable if it meant he got what he wanted.

Apparently Charles disagreed. Breaking his eye contact with Erik, Charles turned away- grasping Hank on one arm and pulling him lightly down the hall as he began to talk scientific theories. Raven watched them go, before turning to look at Erik questioningly, but Erik didn’t have the answers she sought so after a short sigh he left too.

 

Charles still didn’t speak to Erik for the rest of the day. It was easy for him to be avoidant; the professor was very important and he had a lot of work to do, so it was understandable that he should spend all day holed up doing research rather than hanging out with Erik. Still, Erik spent a great deal of time that day sat in front of the chessboard anyway, just in case Charles found he had the time for a quick game.

When night fell Erik retired to his room, though he didn’t sleep. He sat on his bed, dressed in pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt, absently using his powers to fiddle with the coin he held suspended over the palm of his hand. The small disc of metal represented everything Erik believed he was- his past pain, his future vengeance; the token of a man led by little more than blind rage. He carried the coin with him like a vow- a promise to his mother that he would avenge her, no matter what the cost.

Erik couldn’t help but see the poetry in the nature of his mutation- to control metal, as cold and impassive as he was, when he himself could not be moved in that same way. Except… sometimes, when he was with Charles, he felt less rigid than before. It was barely a shiver, but Charles held him captive in ways he hadn’t thought possible. He could control Erik if he wanted with his telepathy, but sometimes Erik felt like Charles could control him just with a kiss.

Charles didn’t come to Erik’s room that night, and honestly Erik didn’t really expect him to- though he never stopped hoping. After a brief moment of internal debate, Erik left his quarters and wandered down the hall towards Charles’ room. He knocked on the door quietly- not wanting to alert anyone else who might be nearby- but there was no immediate answer and Erik wondered if he should try again with more force, when suddenly the door opened.

It was like a punch to the stomach, seeing Charles- one glance and Erik felt winded, and he yearned to press his lips to Charles’ mouth in order to breathe again.

“What do you want, Erik?” Charles murmured. He looked tired, Erik realised. He was dressed for bed too, but he didn’t look like he’d actually been asleep when Erik had come calling. In fact, he didn’t look like he’d slept in a while…

“I… wanted to talk to you. Can I come in?”

Charles shifted uncomfortably, but eventually he gave a curt nod and stepped back- opening the door wider and gesturing for Erik to enter.

Erik’s eyes were fixed on Charles as he walked into the room, watching Charles carefully as he closed the door and leaned back against it- looking up at Erik expectantly.

Erik had said that he wanted to talk, but he knew that his mouth wasn’t made for sweet words and he didn’t want to hurt Charles further. All the languages he could speak and he still didn’t have the right sentences to say what he needed to. He wanted to use his worthless mouth in other ways- to convey what speech could not in heartfelt kisses; to lay Charles out under him and press his intentions into every part of Charles’ body he could touch. It seemed the only apology he knew was carnal; a complete contradiction to the kind of gentleness he knew Charles deserved.

“Erik, you said you wanted to talk…?”

Erik shook his head lightly. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to make things worse”.

“Can they get any worse?”

“I don’t know… Are we lost?”

Charles scoffed. “I’m not sure we ever truly found each other”.

Erik turned away, tension taut in his body as he clenched his jaw.

“Enough with the metaphors”, Erik declared, turning back to Charles. “I love you, and you love me. Can’t it just be that simple?”

Charles’ mouth opened slightly in shock as he sagged back against the door, leaning on it for support like suddenly his legs were weak.

“You… love me?” Charles whispered.

There was a soft shift in Erik’s expression that displayed his surprise. “Surely you knew that?”

Charles shook his head. “Your emotions are more complex than even you realise. Stepping into your mind is like standing in a thunderstorm; a downpour of feeling crashing down, and trying to fully recognise a single emotion is like trying to catch a raindrop. I knew that you… cared for me, I just wasn’t sure…”

Charles trailed off, glanced down, and Erik stepped closer like he was trying to grab hold of the end of Charles’ words before they were lost. Charles looked up as Erik approached, watching warily as Erik moved into his personal space- pressing himself flat against the door behind him defensively.

Erik continued to advance, coming to stand just inches in front of Charles and leaning close, before resting his forehead against Charles’ temple and closing his eyes.

“Can’t we just start over…?” Erik murmured.

Charles mimicked Erik’s expression- closing his eyes too and just absorbing the hum of Erik’s mind. He didn’t want to fight anymore either, but he knew that their disagreements were inevitable- a certainty foreshadowed in the storm of Erik’s vengeful thoughts.

Still, revenge was tomorrow’s problem... Charles had been working hard since the day he’d met Erik to convince him to choose a better path, and he wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. In the meantime, would it really be so terrible to just… give in?

Charles nodded slightly. “I don’t want to fight anymore…” he replied. Charles could feel Erik smile in response- the sensation brightening his mind like a growing light amongst so much darkness.

Erik edged forward and Charles leaned into it- lips meeting in the middle at last.

This was what Erik was good at- not sentiment and careful words, but lust and ardent touch. Physicality was all he really knew.

He pressed into Charles eagerly, sliding his arms around Charles’ waist as they kissed and helping to support Charles as he lifted him up. Charles wrapped his arms around Erik’s neck and his legs around Erik’s waist in response- holding on fervently as Erik carried him over to the bed.

Erik could never fully convey how much Charles meant to him; how much gratitude he felt towards Charles for saving him, for giving him a home, for loving him… Still, he was determined to try.

Although he was besieged by passion, Erik at least took the time to undress Charles carefully- like he was unwrapping a precious gift that he never expected and he knew he didn’t fully deserve. He lavished kisses on every part of Charles’ body; fingers tracing across soft skin adorned with a constellation of freckles, mouth sucking sweet marks of ownership into that which he could never truly claim. Charles writhed underneath him; responding to Erik’s touch and waiting eagerly for more, sliding his hands along Erik’s body in return and edging Erik’s clothing off as well.

When they were both fully undressed Erik prepared them both expeditiously, but he paused before beginning the act. Erik leaned over Charles- gazing down at Charles’ slight and perfect form, looking into his bright blue eyes dilated with desire and coveting his flushed pink lips. It was quiet in the room; the only sound the rush of slightly heightened breaths that spoke of impassioned intentions.

“Darling, what are you doing?” Charles murmured, absently running his hand along Erik’s side.

Erik didn’t want to tell Charles that he was committing him to memory.

Instead, he leaned down and kissed Charles- nudging Charles’ legs slightly wider apart as he grabbed hold of his cock and pushed inside.

As a lover Charles was passionate yet passive, however Erik didn’t know if that was in general or just with him. It was what Erik needed though- someone to let him take what he wanted; to allow Erik to lose himself in the act like the animal he believed he was, but to still hold him and stroke his hair afterwards.

Erik rocked his hips forward earnestly as he thrust into Charles, gazing down at him devotedly. He didn’t know how many more nights they had together, and it was strange to realise that- in spite of spending so many years hunting down Shaw- Erik found himself wishing that finding his nemesis would take just a little bit longer.

Apparently, Charles was wishing the same thing- or maybe he was simply listening in on Erik’s thoughts. He reached his arms around Erik’s shoulders- pulling him closer and kissing along the side of Erik’s face.

“Erik… We can stay like this… Nothing has to change…” Charles whispered against his ear.

Erik tilted his head to look down at Charles. He was gazing up at Erik as he traced his fingers across Erik’s back- lips moist and flushed, face soft and yearning. Charles had never looked more beautiful, and the sight made Erik want to offer nothing more than empathic agreement, but he knew that it would be a promise he would likely never keep.

Instead Erik said nothing, and he focused on little more than the sensation of his cock filling Charles completely and the comfort of Charles’ lips on his mouth.

When they finished Erik slumped into Charles, crushing him with the weight of his body, keeping his love in place. They could catch up to Shaw tomorrow and everything might be over. Erik needed Charles to remain where he was for now, because it might be the last time in his life when he would feel like someone truly needed him.

 

There was a further week and a half of final moments. Erik stopped picking fights, for which Charles was extremely grateful, but there was still a dark shadow of unwelcome fate hanging over them- making each night together seem like their last.

They came together like always, meeting in Erik’s room under the cover of darkness to hide their love in tangled bedsheets. Erik needed this now more than ever- to lose himself in the lines of Charles’ body, to forget just for a short time that he was destined to destroy.

Charles had stopped telling Erik that he loved him, but he used each meeting as an opportunity to hold Erik inside his own mind as they fucked; providing support and comfort, and trying to soothe his self-destructive thoughts with whispered promises of his own. But Charles could feel Erik waiting for it each time they finished- when they held each other in the afterglow or just before they went to sleep- but the words never came. It wasn’t that Charles didn’t mean it anymore, it was that he couldn’t continue to bare his soul to someone who believed they were fated to break. Charles could do a lot for the people he met, he just didn’t know if he was strong enough to repair decades of disillusioned self-doubt.

When the news came that they had a lead on Shaw, Charles and Erik had been stood with the students in one of the mansion’s living rooms. They would be leaving in a few hours.

Charles tried very hard not to look at Erik in that moment, but his expression broke when Erik reached over and lightly squeezed his hand.

 

All those months of preparation, all that time spent with Erik trying to convince him to choose a better path- Charles really believed deep down that Erik would listen to him; that he would put aside desperate vengeance and save his own soul.

Charles was wrong.

On the beach in Cuba that day Charles had saved thousands of lives because it was his nature, and Erik had destroyed one because it was _his_ nature.

Shaw was dead, and Charles had helped him do it.

It was a despicable act, and it wrecked Charles, but it seemed like a necessary evil. He had to hold Shaw in place so that Erik could kill him, because if he didn’t- if he relinquished control and responsibility and left Erik alone in that place- then Shaw would surely have killed Erik instead. Charles couldn’t allow that, even if the alternative meant an act of self-compromise that would likely tarnish his spirit forever.

Afterwards Erik dragged Shaw outside like a trophy; the spectacle making Charles feel sick as he came to terms with the fact that, not only had Erik killed Shaw without hesitation, but that he was evidently pleased enough with his actions not to hide them from the world. The realisation was like a knife cutting harshly through every sentimental thought Charles had about Erik. He should have known that it would take more than hushed declarations spoken between lustful bodies to truly change a man.

Killing Shaw had been bad enough, but there was still worse to come.

After his nemesis was nothing more than a broken body on the ground, Erik turned his attention to his secondary enemy- mankind. Ever since Charles had known him, Erik had spoken of his distrust of humanity; believing that they would one day turn against all mutants out of envy and fear. Charles would never admit it, but that day on the beach it seemed like Erik might be right.

Even though the original threat had been stopped, apparently Erik’s spectacle had only served to create an even bigger target: himself, along with every other mutant on the beach. Every ship out in the water turned their weapons on them- preparing to obliterate everyone present from existence. Charles wasn’t worried though- he knew that Erik could save them. Indeed, he knew Erik was capable of a great many things.

The missiles drew close to the beach- gliding through the air until they came to an abrupt stop, held suspended in the air by Erik’s powers. That, surely, was enough- they were safe; the immediate danger was over. But from the second Erik had put his hand out to control the weapons, Charles had already sensed that simply stopping them would not be enough. Erik believed that he was doing the right thing, and he simply couldn’t allow himself to care if other lives were due to be forfeit.

When Erik launched the missiles back at the humans, Charles launched himself at Erik in return. A great sense of dread had foreshadowed this day for the longest time, but even so Charles never dreamed it would have ended up like this- with he and Erik wrestling for control on the sand beneath them, trading blows and harsh words.

Erik didn’t want to hurt Charles, he never did, but he truly believed that he was doing the right thing- that destroying those ships would somehow save mutants from future harm. The problem was that Erik saw his actions as small, capable of only an immediate and centralised effect. Charles saw things on a much larger scale, knowing that this event- were it to go Erik’s way- would have a blast radius far greater than Erik could foresee; a catastrophe tantamount to the onset of nuclear war.

But how to communicate all that to Erik? If Charles could only access Erik’s thoughts with his telepathy then it would be easy, but Erik had shielded himself from Charles- something which he’d never done before. Charles had always felt so welcome in Erik’s mind previously, knowing that he was granted an exclusivity afforded to no one else; a safe haven in the consciousness of a man who normally considered himself incapable of such caution and tenderness. Now, though, there was cold hard steel keeping Charles away from the person who needed him most.

Charles was pinned- trapped by Erik’s weight as he lay underneath him. He tried to remove the helmet from Erik’s head but he was unsuccessful, and he received a swift punch to the face in return. The blow dazed Charles, particularly as he’d previously thought of Erik as someone who would never intentionally hurt him, and in that moment he almost wanted to give up. But then he looked up at Erik, momentarily blinded by the bright sunlight glinting off the helmet before he could see again, and there it was- hidden under the harsh metal; the tired and determined face of man who was, at heart, essentially _good_. A man capable of the worst possible things, done with the best possible intentions.

The time for fighting was over, now more than ever. Charles had enough strength left in him for one last shove, and he used it to push Erik over onto his back- rolling with him and moving to straddle Erik’s waist. Erik looked frustrated at first, and angry that Charles was still trying to stop him, but then Charles leaned down and kissed him and the rage slipped from Erik’s face like heavy iron chains falling loose.

Normally when Charles kissed Erik he knew exactly what Erik was thinking- he always had since the very first time their lips had touched…

On that occasion he and Erik had been having an argument, though only mildly sniping as they returned to their hotel room after visiting a potential recruit during their road trip. Charles couldn’t even remember what they’d been bickering about, all he knew was Erik had said something particularly cutting- a parting blow as Charles had turned away from him, but as Charles had turned back around to offer rebuttal he had been met with a kiss.

Erik’s kiss was like a punch. It knocked the wind out of Charles and he didn’t know what to make of it, particularly as in that moment Erik’s mind had been a chaotic whirl of emotions- a mixture of apology and desire and longing and- because it was Erik- still a simmer of irritation.

Charles’ eyes were wide during that initial embrace but Erik’s were tightly shut; his mouth enslaved to Charles’ lips but not moving, that is- not until Charles adjusted to the embrace; closing his eyes at last and opening his mouth slightly as he sunk into the kiss.

That first kiss had been their beginning; this one could surely be their end.

Like a reversal of that first occasion, Charles’ eyes were tightly shut as they kissed but Erik’s were wide open. With the helmet blocking Charles’ telepathy he had no way of knowing what Erik was thinking or feeling, and for all Charles knew Erik might still be full of determined yet controlled rage. Charles knew he should be checking on the status of the missiles and ensuring that everyone was okay, but it was so hard to tear himself away from what could essentially be his last embrace with Erik.

And so, Charles remained where he was- lips pressed to his lover’s, a single hand resting on Erik’s chest just over his heart. It felt like a long time that Charles was left waiting, but then it happened.

It was simply a softening at first- Charles could feel the tension leave Erik’s body, evidenced by a soulful sigh just audible over the chaos around them. Erik’s lips parted marginally as he exhaled, and in the next breath he drew Charles in- moving his mouth over Charles’ and sliding his arms around Charles’ waist. Charles was convinced he was having some sort of episode as he heard fireworks going off in his head, until he realised it was the sound of the missiles exploding in the air.

The kiss was scant, sexy, and oh so necessary. Charles knew there were people watching; he knew that he should be thinking about more important things- like saving the world- but he was saving his own personal world, and that was more vital than ever.

But eventually he heard the sound of someone- most likely Raven- clearing their throat pointedly, and Charles decided to withdraw.

Erik didn’t move as Charles leaned back from him, he simply stared up at Charles from his position lying back on the sand in open wonder. Charles’ lip was bleeding slightly from where Erik had struck him, which made a swell of guilt rise up in Erik’s chest as he urged to fix what he’d done. It was funny how he’d almost killed thousands of men and yet he was only concerned with how he’d hurt one.

Sorry just didn’t seem like it would cut it, and Erik knew he didn’t have the words to express his remorse. Like always, Erik preferred actions- and so, he removed his helmet in a clear act of submission.

Charles smiled slightly when it happened, but he still didn’t move. He gazed down at Erik warily, like he was worried about making the wrong move and setting Erik off again. It was because, deep down, Charles knew that the kiss hadn’t fully fixed anything- though maybe it was enough to give them a chance…

“I don’t suppose I could convince you to just come home with me?” Charles murmured.

Erik smiled in return. “You’re a psychic, Charles- you can convince me to do anything”.

Charles knew that, just like he knew that Erik was only too aware of the mental words he’d just projected hidden behind verbal ones: _“Just take me; I’m yours”._

Since the moment he’d met Erik, Charles had been working hard to guide Erik without controlling him- but in that moment he realised that maybe that’s actually what Erik had wanted all along.

Ever since his mother had been killed Erik’s actions were not his own- he only existed to avenge her sacred memory. Now that was done, Erik didn’t quite know what else he was living for. For a fleeting moment he had thought it could be another type of vengeance; that against human beings- a need to make them pay for their perceived callousness towards mutants. But why did he want that when he already had something so much greater? It was like wanting the moon when you already had the sun.

Erik wasn’t sure if he would ever feel worthy of Charles’ love, but he knew that- as long as Charles was willing to help keep him in control- Erik would happily spend the rest of his life trying to become what he believed Charles deserved.

“Let’s go home”, Erik responded at last.

That was a request worthy of a smile, and Charles was only too happy to oblige.


End file.
